“I always say a kiss on the hand might feel very good, but a diamond tiara lasts forever.”-Marilyn Monroe
Would you date a financially unstable partner?
When choosing a partner many are attracted to the personality and security they feel around them. This security could be physical, emotional, spiritual and financial. I have heard the age old say that dating someone with money in mind makes you a gold digger but let’s be honest. Having money makes life better. Looking at things from a financial perspective is not wrong but we have to start by answering who exactly is a financially unstable partner?
Who is a financially unstable partner?
What is your definition of a financially unstable partner? A partner who lacks motivation and purpose? Is he a man who lacks the ability and willingness to expend necessary financial and material resources to nurture a good relationship? A partner who doesn’t have a high paying corporate job with a lump sum salary and vacations galore? A partner who doesn’t step up financially when it is needed? Are they thirty years old, chronically unemployed couch hopping?
The definitions of the words vary from person to person. So before you answer the question try to identify what your view of who a financially unstable partner is. What I have found as a shared opinion is that a financially unstable partner is one who is does not do anything to improve their finances in the relationship for years leaving you to carry the burden.
Reasons not to date a financially unstable partner
The simple fact that you are supporting them and paying for everything makes them feel emasculated. He has been raised with the idea that the man is the one to provide but he doesn’t want to or cannot provide. The level of control you have over them that you cannot see makes you almost intolerable. He cannot leave you because he knows he will be homeless so it’s better to bite the bullet and take money from you.
There have been many cases of violence against women being committed in this type of situation. How you interact changes as it grows to emotional and psychological abuse. When you leave him early enough they are find someone who is lower than them on the financial ladder and support them to feel ‘like a real man’ again.
Empty pocket timeline
Financial timelines don’t always go in an upward trajectory; we all have the low points. Your partner might have lost their job making it a one income relationship and a resulting change in dynamics and responsibilities. This could be a short term change as they look for a new source of employment and contribute towards financial growth.
Watch out as it can be a permanent situation where they choose not to look for employment because your income is enough for the both of you to live on. The unilateral decisions make life even harder for you because you cannot stop working or else you end up homeless. You are stuck financially supporting someone for years. Help them pack and open the door for them to leave.
On the other hand if your partner is employed and complains about never having money all the time without responsibilities that could drain finances it is a red flag. It means they spend frivolously on unimportant things or drugs instead of being financially responsible. I see debts and financial ruin in your future so run.
“The guy I dated never had money even though he worked in a bank, had no student loans or family to support. He never took me out on dates or bought me gifts; I was always the one giving. I have dated unemployed men who made the effort; I treasured the ten dollar necklace I got from my husband when we met.
That guy could make thousands disappear overnight then cry to me in the morning. I paid his rent four times because he was too ‘broke’. My future with them was a bad credit score and a mountain of debt that I would die before paying off so i ran,” Angela told us her with a frown on her face.
You want a party, let’s have a pity party
If you put more towards the relationship you would expect good company and entertainment but that is not happening. They are using their situation to make you feel guilty for having feelings of dissatisfaction towards them. You are always selfish for not considering their feelings about their situation if you ask them to try.
They do not put effort towards making you feel special yet expect it from you. The situations they are in are weaponized and used against you to make you question your morals and levels of empathy. It is also not a short term thing, it happens for years and they are never actively working to change the situation.
You don’t need money to make your partner feel special, there are many ways you can like helping her run errands she can’t get to because she are busy all day.
It’s all your fault
You have everything together and they do not so they take their frustrations out on you. Your successes are an insult or mockery to them instead of simply celebrating you. When they feel low you have to be there to support them and listen to them, when you feel low deal with it. These stressors only come alive in private because he is a delight to others.
“I was not a partner but an elaborately set up support system. My bad days didn’t matter; he was the only one who went through them. It reached a point where it bordered on abuse. When I talked to people about it they did not really believe me because he was so charming. He was the nice and kind guy everyone thought the world was against,” Angela added.
Hype me up baby
Having goals is important as a person as they give you direction but false goals are a disaster waiting to happen. This financially unstable partner doesn’t align themself with reality, they are beyond that and you have support them. They want to buy a house in two years without a job lined up; you better not say the word impossible. Everything they want is possible in the time set. You are unsupportive if you ask them to start with short term realistic goals they can attain to make long term progress. Great ambition zero execution but gather your pompoms, its cheer time.
“I had a man ask me to support them financially by letting them move in, feed them, clothe them and buy them top notch equipment so that he could be a content creator on YouTube. He had a goal of having one million subscribers in a year because his ideas were the best. Once he made it big we would live in a mansion and travel the world.
Truth is he had no big ideas and the few he had catered to a small group and micro niche that was tailored to locals. Those outside the bubble wouldn’t understand. Anything I said was criticism and bullying and would get yelled at by his mum for discouraging her baby genius,” Carol shared about the thirty year old man she dated in her early twenties.
“Why can’t you pay it for me? You make a lot of money,”
The familiar phrases that imply you work to pay their way since they never pick up the tab. 50/50 is not an option because they are aware you have money so you have to provide. It is always the giving season when it comes to them. Why would they work when Santa sleeps beside them?
Jingle hell, jingle hell,
Jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is work
When all you do is pay, hey!
Lay the pipe
They are the funniest and stress inducing type who causes you a lot of pain. Their only contribution to the relationship is sex. They are good at it. So good the neighbors, your friends and all the women around have to share the mind blowing experience.
There is a sharing schedule where as you work to bring in money, they are doing the tedious work of multiplying and filling the earth. The dishes and laundry you left undone wait for you to complete after a long day at work as they watch a movie or play video games. Being the hardworking woman you are, you are clean and cook.
At one am once they decide to come to bed; better hope yoga helped your flexibility as you are recreating the back breaking styles they watched during the day to build experience points.
Being in a relationship there is a set direction you want to follow but the lack of financial help from your partner makes it impossible. Having kids is expensive and you want to give them the best. You work hard but it is never enough as they do not give additional support.
They want to lounge around without contributing anything to the relationship so you can’t entrust them with childcare responsibilities. Buying a home is also a fanciful idea in this relationship unless you are earning a lot of money.
I deserve better
Once you go through the hassle of polishing them to become the best version of themselves, they toss you aside. Conveniently forgetting the nights you spent editing their resume, the calls you made to get them that well-paying job and the money you poured into sustaining you both.
Now that the work is done they are not settling for you like you did them, they leave to get what they wants and who they want. Believe me they will get their desired partner because they are changed people who are appealing. You on the other hand are left heartbroken and exhausted from dealing with them.
Dating a chronically financially unstable partner is a mistake that I would not repeat. They have no interest in growing instead they work to bring you down. Find a partner who respects, supports and encourages you.
The short-term financially unstable partner who cannot buy you birthday presents and take you out on dates because they lost their job and is looking for a new one is worth giving a chance. If months turn into years pack your bags and run.
At the end of the day you make choices that affect your life positively and negatively. Never underestimate the impact one small decision can have in your life. You can lose opportunities; miss out on healthy relationships and a great partner.
Please leave a comment and tell us your take on whether you can date a financially unstable partner or your experience dating one.